that guy you may know

The a last few weeks have seriously fucked with my head. I am so done with school. My parents are on my ass to get a certain average and its very difficult. Ive been stressing out about a drug test for a job that i need because hockey is $4300 for a season and i have to pay for part of it. You would think that making the best possible team would make my parents proud? Never got a “good job.” Just got “either you help pay for it or you aren’t playing.” My life is fucked and its all my fault. And my parents make sure i know that. They make sure i know that i get shitty grades and I’m going to end up working at a fucking wawa all because i smoke weed. They don’t know. They don’t know what kind of stress is on me. They don’t know how it gets rid of that. They don’t know how close to the edge i am. They don’t know how lonely i am. Some people do. 

I go to school and i get shit from the people who are supposed to be my friends. I have two real friends Mary Jane, and Max. For those of you who know Mary Jane, she’s wonderful isn’t she? Never makes fun of you. Never makes you feel worthless like everyone else. Takes you to a new world, shows you a new side of yourself. Once i have a job secure i am going to smoke myself stupid. Until i can hardly walk like i did that lonely spring break, every night. And ill do it alone, in my back yard. With only the solace of the lonely wind and stars to comfort a lonely worthless person like me. 

I showed up to school really high last tuesday. My friends asked me why. I said “because i wanted to” or “because i can.” I think the real reason is because i want people to know. I want then to know the real me. I want them to help me. 

Im just going to keep to myself. Not talk and see what happens. Whoever reads this congratulations you have seen the inside of me, scary isn’t it? I don’t give a fuck what you think of me anymore. Call me a dumbass call me worthless call me a burnout, you will be just like everyone else pushing me. Im going to try to not give anyone a reason to put me down, but the more i keep to myself the lonelier ill get and the worse ill get.

Whatever man.